Welcome to the very first stop of Andy's Blog Tour and to Andy's post. Although, technically, this post hasn't actually been written by Andy, but you'll understand more once you read on. Excitingly this first post swings us into my 500th blog post, so I hope that you'll go bananas and enjoy this jungle treat. Just remember that you'll need to take the jungle climb each day to a new post. If you're feeling brave you might like to look down and admire the breathtaking view . . . . . Happy touring!
Here we go! The launch of TARZAN: THE JUNGLE WARRIOR blog tour. However, author Andy Briggs was unable to write this blog due to... unforeseen circumstances, so I have been asked to step in.
I know Andy Briggs had planned a psychological evaluation of the inner working of Tarzan, how a child, raised by wild gorillas coped when he was introduced to civilization. But I didn’t have a clue where to start. Luckily I found an audio file that had been left on Andy’s computer, so I have transcribed it for you now. It turns out that it’s a conversation with Tarzan and the author.
Sounds of parrots cawing from the trees, the gentle patter of rain on the jungle canopy above, and the constant chittering of a billion unseen insects.
ANDY: So, I’m here with Tarzan...
TARZAN: Me Tarzan.
ANDY: Um, yes... you are Tarzan. Quite right. So... (the sound of index cards being switched through so he can find the first question). You have had an exciting life, what does it mean to be Lord of the Jungle?
The soft crunch of leaves as Tarzan gently leaps from the boulder he was perched on and circles interviewer. The faint sound of sniffing...
TARZAN: You smell strange...
ANDY: Ah, yes... that’s Lynx for you. So, Lord of the Jungle...?
TARZAN: It is good for Tarzan to be lord of all this. Tarzan keep family safe. The jungle a dangerous place, especially for the weak. Like you.
ANDY: That’s nice. (shifts uncomfortably) So you were raised in the wild and forced to eat raw meat. Surely that’s disgusting?
TARZAN: Flesh taste good. You ruin meat by burning! You are stupid to do this.
ANDY: OK, OK... calm down. I only asked... how about... um, Jane. She’s lovely, right? I mean you and her...
A deep guttural rumbling drowns the interviewer out.
ANDY: Ah, OK then. How about... (rapidly flicking through question cards) Um... what was it like to be raised by wild apes?
TARZAN: Apes teach Tarzan that jungle gives life to the world.
ANDY: Ah, you mean through photosynthesis releasing oxygen to the planet....?
ANDY: Ahem. I wish you would stop glaring at me like that... So in your new book, Tarzan: The Jungle Warrior, you are faced with your greatest opponent yet, Nikola Rokoff. How did you two get along?
TARZAN: Rokoff take Karnath! Rokoff must pay the price of Tarzan’s wrath. He will be hunted to the ends of the world!!
Sound of index cards being furiously knocked from interviewer’s hand.
ANDY: And now you’ve thrown my questions everywhere... (muttering: talk about anger management...) So, um, what is it like being in your own book?
TARZAN: Tarzan no prisoner in book! No page strong enough to hold him! Tarzan real! Tarzan change the world!
ANDY: Indeed. Mr. Burroughs wrote 26 books about you and I am about to embark on my third, which I can exclusively announce is entitled: TARZAN: THE S--
TARZAN: You chatter like Manu!
ANDY: I do? Er... do you enjoy the jungle? I believe in Jungle Warrior you leave all of this behind and enter the city for the first time...
TARZAN: Cities are dangerous places. Wild and untamed...
ANDY: Deep... mmm... deep... I suppose with your primitive understanding of the world you --
TARZAN: You make fun of Tarzan?
ANDY: Huh? No, not at all... um, you can put that stick down. You don’t need - AAAARRRGH!! NO!! NO!!
The sound of screaming recedes with breaking branches and the recording abruptly ends.
TARZAN: THE JUNGLE WARRIOR is out now, published by Faber.